I thought that if I had everything I would be happy… Not so, the “everything” the world said would make me happy left me feeling empty, alone and depressed. It’s true I have searched, scoured and combed the world for something to fill the gaping hole that had everything yet nothing. I tried, I really did to find the cure for an empty heart yet nothing worked… That is until I found you.
When you found me I was broken, bruised and desperately needing someone to hold on to and trust. That someone was you, your love and your unending grace left me reeling and wishing and hoping that it was true. That someone as perfect as you could accept me as I was, a broken and bruised person who was worthless in every way. Yet you just smiled and opened your arms to me and said, “I do not judge you for you are worth more than the mistakes you made in the past. It’s day one once again for you, your past does not define you.”
Was it true? I hoped it was but I just couldn’t believe it so I pushed you away and I ran. I ran from love, truth and hope. When I pushed you away I found that my heart was once again empty, so I tried yet again to fill the hole with utterly meaningless things. Once again it patched the hole for awhile but it didn’t really take away the ache of my heart and soul. I would stare up at the stars at night and cry tears of loneliness and hopelessness, wishing that I didn’t run from what might have been my only real chance at true happiness.
You never stopped pursuing me even after I ran and hid, not ready to accept or believe that you cared about me so much that you died for me and payed the ultimate price for my sins. You found me once again on a rainy day on the East Coast. I was crying and wishing that I could end this nightmare of a life I was living. I raised me head and you were crouched in front of me, your beautiful eyes seeing all the hurt the past 20 years had given me. Lost love, death and addiction had left me jaded and afraid to trust anyone.
I broke when I looked into your eyes, I crumbled and I finally let down the walls that I had built to protect myself. You broke them down and for that I will always be grateful. I sobbed on your shoulder long and hard, as you held me and rocked me slowly, gently. You whispered loving words of hope and of restoration to me. I let you in to my broken heart. I showed you my scars and I begged you to accept me for the mess I was. I promised that I would do anything to earn your love back.
You smiled and said, “Don’t you remember what I said when you first met me?” I shook my head in confusion.
“I said that, ‘I do not judge you and that you are worth far more than all your mistakes and sins combined. Your past does not define you.’ “
I was stunned because some of my past was deemed by society unforgivable. Yet you are here loving me and helping me become a better person. Why? That is the question I will always ask no matter how many times you declare your love for me. When I look into your eyes and see unfailing love and beautiful, redeeming grace and I will ask once again, “Why do you love me?” I have done unforgivable things, yet you stand before me with love, so rich and bright, shining out of your eyes for me? Why? How do you forgive so easily? How can you look at me knowing all my flaws and still love me? Why did you sacrifice your life for mine? How could you love someone as broken as I? It’s unthinkable to me and probably always will be. Maybe one day it will become clear to me but for now it’s a mystery.
I have found what I was searching for. I found the cure for an empty heart and broken trust. It was something that was so simple, I didn’t have to work for it or pay a million to get. All I had to do was confess my multitude of sins to God and believe that Jesus was Lord and accept Him into my heart. That was it! It was so easy and inexpensive that I was hesitant to believe that it was real… Yet it was. My heart is healing and I no longer have to search for something to mute the constant ache of longing for another chance at redemption. Jesus gave it all so that I may have everlasting life. It’s still unfathomable to me! Maybe it will always be, but for now I am content to learn as much as I can about Him and my new-found faith.
Will you accept Him too?